Less Than Desirable
by obsidianLight16
Summary: Pein comes back from a mission to find his members in a...less than desirable state. Stupid cravings. And wasn't it all Tobi's fault anyway?


**A/N: I haven't written an Akatsuki fic in such a long time... I keep working on small parts of the other unfinished fics but it never gets anywhere! Doesn't mean I'm gonna stop trying though. **

**Here's something short and...sweet *snicker***

**Warning: Language, slight violence, OOC...**

**Disclaimer: I own none of the characters used or props from other books/movies.**

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><p>Every two months, the members of Akatsuki would start to feel the effects of their tiring ninja missions and other ninja…stuff. So what happens to pump them back up again and make them in working condition? Pein finds out in a less than desirable way...<p>

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><p>Sasori poked his head from around his door, looking down the deserted hall. Using all his ninja stealth that he could use while in Hiruko, he tried shuffling out his bedroom and broke the wall surrounding it in the process. He looked back from inside his puppet and assessed the damage before shrugging it off and deciding to give Kakuzu a heart attack instead when he saw it.<p>

He slunk ever so quietly past his partner and Hidan, both who gave him an odd look.

"Sasori-no-danna," Deidara paused in his tracks. "What are you doing un?"

"Silence!" Sasori snapped, holding Hiruko's tail over his head. "I'm using my Invisibility cloak so you can't see me!"

Deidara raised a brow. "But-"

"Invisibility cloak!" Sasori hissed before zooming by.

At three miles per hour.

Deidara and Hidan watched him as he inched by and then shared a glance.

"Sometimes I wonder why I ever fuckin' joined this place," Hidan told him.

"Well at least you weren't _forced_," Deidara grumbled back. "And what makes it worse is the fact that my own _partner _wasn't even the one to make me."

Sasori ignored them in favor of pressing on towards his destination. Those losers could talk all they wanted. They were never getting any of his treasures!

The puppet stopped. _I sound like Kakuzu. _

"…"

He shook his head before continuing towards the kitchen.

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><p>-One hour later-<p>

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><p>"Dammit this is taking too long!" Sasori exclaimed before hopping out of Hiruko and sealing her in a scroll. He pocketed that in his cloak and then strode past the living room and into the kitchen in less than thirty seconds. Eyes gleaming with a hint of madness, he began rubbing his hands together and cackling in a low tone under his breath.<p>

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><p>In the living room, a concerned Kisame hovered above a sickly Itachi who was wrapped head-to-toe in blankets. He blinked innocently up at Kisame who wailed and knelt down.<p>

"I don't know how this sudden cold occurred but I'll do anything I can to help!"

Itachi let out a tiny cough. "Kisame…" he croaked out. "I need…water."

Kisame leapt to his feet, rushing away. "I'm on it! You can rely on me! I'm the best person you could ever have as a best friend Itachi-"

Itachi stared. "Just get me something to drink."

"Roger!" Kisame grinned and saluted.

Itachi waited until his disappeared from sight before snickering and slumping down in the couch. "Sucker…"

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><p>Kisame entered the kitchen with a smile, making a beeline for the cup cabinet. However, a loud munch caught his attention and he paused, looking around. Sitting in the corner, with his back to him- was a crunching redhead. Kisame cocked his head. "Eh- Sasori what are you doing here?"<p>

Sasori turned around, eyes wide with a piece of cookie stuck in his mouth.

Kisame stared.

Sasori stared back.

There was a long moment of silence.

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><p>Itachi patiently sat on the couch, hands folded in his lap.<p>

Once his eyes strayed to the kitchen, but he brought them back, not wanting to seem anxious. Kisame left a quite some time ago, and as far as he was concerned, there was no one else in the kitchen to distract him from fetching a glass of water. As much as he loved messing with his older friend and bossing him around, it was all tough love. _I wonder where he is…_

"Hey un."

Itachi glanced to his right as a cheery blonde sat beside him. "Deidara."

Deidara grinned at him. "You don't have to sound so disappointed yeah."

"Hn."

"Aw come on Itachi-san," Deidara laughed, leaning over and poking him in the face. "I'm just trying to make conversation un. What's up with you?"

Itachi batted his finger away, staring into the bright blue eye in front of him. "You don't have to address me so politely…"

The blonde moved in closer, looking at the raven with a critically. "I want to un. So…what _are _you doing hmm?"

Itachi found himself glancing towards the kitchen out of instinct. "I was waiting for Kisame. He went into the kitchen but never came back out."

Deidara pulled back, sweatdropping slightly. "Y-You don't have to say it like that."

Itachi smirked, pushing off the couch and getting to his feet. "Scared?"

Immediately the blonde's expression changed from one of anxiousness to fiery passion. "I am not Itachi- you bastard!"

Itachi chuckled and ruffled Deidara's bangs. "Somehow I preferred 'san'."

Deidara bit at his fingers. "You're mean yeah."

"I know. Well, I'll be back," Itachi said, beginning to walk towards the kitchen.

"Ah- wait!" The blonde scrambled off the couch, bounding to the older teen's side. "You can't go in there un."

Itachi raised a brow. "Why?"

"B-Because…um-" Deidara racked his brain for something to say. "Because it's dangerous!" he blurted. "If Kisame didn't come out, then you won't either yeah!"

Itachi rolled his eyes. "I'm perfectly capable of handling myself. Your concern is appreciated though."

Deidara flushed, gruffly crossing his arms. "That's not it at all. It's just that I can't have my rival disappearing on me yeah."

"I'm sure. I promise to be back," Itachi stifled a noise of amusement, walking away.

"Hey, hey! Don't make promises to me like I'm a damn child! Un!"

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><p>"Kisame? What's taking you so lo-" Itachi looked up from where he was, halfway into the door with his hand on its frame. "Kisame?" He hesitantly walked into kitchen, searching the area. There was no one there… <em>I could of sworn he came in here…<em> The raven let out a small sigh, shook his head, and then turned to leave as quickly as he came.

A cookie crumb fell in front of him.

Itachi took a step back. _What-? _He lifted his head to the ceiling where he found his missing partner. Clinging to the ceiling along with an equally guilty redhead, both their mouths stuffed full of chocolate chips.

They stared at him with wide eyes.

Itachi felt a brow twitch and slowly began to inch away.

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><p>Deidara fidgeted nervously, wringing his hands in his lap.<p>

Itachi had disappeared more than ten minutes ago. He was sure whatever the teen needed to do in there shouldn't have taken so long. Deidara eyed the path to the kitchen before hastily averting his gaze. He was overreacting. There was no need for him to panic. Itachi was _fine. _

But what about Kisame?

Didn't Itachi say he vanished too?

The blonde sat straight up, trying not to panic. Who was to say he wouldn't be next?

_I'm going to die, I'm going to die, I'm going to die-_

"Yo!"

Deidara let out a loud scream, flipping over the couch in an attempt to get away. He crashed headfirst, legs twitching in the air.

Hidan lifted a brow, curiously walking behind the couch. "Whoa. Calm the fuck down."

Deidara groaned, looking up from where he was laying. "They're all…disappearing Hidan un…"

"Disappearing?" Hidan pulled the blonde to his feet, steadying the woozy boy. "What the fuck are you talking about? You on something kid?"

Deidara flung an arm in the direction of the kitchen. "In there. First Kisame and then Itachi…We're all gonna die hmm…"

Hidan blinked and then started to drag the blonde towards the kitchen. "Let's find out what the hell's going on then."

As if broken from a trance, Deidara jerked and then started to struggle. "No. No! You can't make me go in there yeah!"

His cries fell on deaf ears.

Very sadistic deaf ears.

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><p>Hidan put his hands on his hips, looking around. "Well? There's fucking nothing here." He actually thought there might be something interesting going on, but it turned out to be a dud. So much for excitement…. He looked over his shoulder when no answer came.<p>

The blonde had went to the fridge in search of water to calm his nerves. But now his hand was frozen on the door handle and his eyes large with fear.

"Deidara?"

Deidara suddenly shrieked.

And was pulled straight into the fridge.

The door closed after him.

"What the fuck?" Hidan ran over, giving the handle a fierce tug. It wouldn't budge. "Oi blondie! Can you hear me? Dammit!" A strangled cry came from inside. Startled, the Jashinist stumbled away.

_Oh my Jashin…I'm going to die. _

Kakuzu walked up behind him, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Hidan-"

"HOLY SHIT!" Hidan whirled around, socking the man in the face. He cringed upon seeing who it was. "Oh…fuck."

"You're coming with me," Kakuzu growled, fully intent on delivering a massive punch of pain.

Unfortunately they never got the chance. A pair of wooden arms snapped out from the floor and started to drag them under.

Kakuzu sighed and rolled his eyes while Hidan screamed bloody murder.

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><p>Zetsu walked in from a hard day at work in the gardens, a spade in hand and a sunhat on his head. Yeah….not sure how that worked. He wandered into the kitchen, the T.V. still on and the entire base empty. He listened to the sound of silence.<p>

"Guys…?"

Zetsu turned this way and that. "Where is everyone?" **"Up your butt." **White Zetsu rolled his eye. "Hardy har har. Very funny." **You're no fun at all." **"It's hard to have fun with someone who always makes fun of me. I can't even get rid of you!" **Yeah- but you love me so..." **"I guess you're right..."

White Zetsu then blinked, giving Black Zetsu a very strange look. "Hey..." **"What is it? Why are you looking at me like that?" **"Since when did we have an extra head?" **"An extra head? What are you- OH MY GOD WE HAVE AN EXTRA HEAD!" **Black Zetsu screamed as a familiar orange-masked head poked out from his shoulder.

The next thing Zetsu knew, he was floating in a sea of darkness.

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><p>They were all in the living room. How they got there, they didn't know. But what they did know was that they were very hungry people. And Tobi had brought out a giant stock of sweet treats and beverages.<p>

Almost immediately the group dived for the sweets, grabbing what they wanted before getting as far away as possible from everyone else.

Kisame frowned as his chocolate bottle was taken by the swift fingers of Itachi, and the Uchiha moved to the far side of the room. "Hey…that was mine," he called.

Itachi ignored him.

Kisame growled. "I said it was MINE!"

Itachi thoughtfully hummed, trying to rip of the seal around the lid.

Kisame prepared to assault his partner, flexing his fingers in anticipation. The bottle would be _his…_

Unfortunately for him, Konan chose to make a timely appearance, having heard the ruckus from her room. She wasn't exactly in a good mood having been woken from her pleasant sleep. And it only grew worse when she saw the state the living room was in. She stormed into the center of the room, gaping in disbelief at what she saw. "What the heck's going on? What are you guys doing?"

"ITACHI!"

Konan barely had time to move before she was flattened by Deidara.

The blonde came from above, landing in the stance of an animal about to attack its prey. His eye had a dark gleam in it. "Don't you dare…"

Itachi looked over his shoulder, flipping open his little container of heaven.

"Give me that!" Deidara screamed, tackling the raven to the ground where they proceeded to wrestle over the bottle of chocolate.

Kisame hungrily eyed the both of them- or rather the dark substance pouring from the bottle. "Chocolate…must…have…"

"Oh no you don't!" Konan quickly grabbed him by the back of his cloak collar, preventing him from charging the two teens. She swung her head from side-to-side. "Quit acting up and go to your room!" Kisame drooped his shoulders. "But the chocolate…"

"I don't care," Konan said. "Go."

Kisame was saved when an empty plastic container came flying their way, conking the blue-haired woman on the head. He toothily grinned as her grasp loosened, tearing away and lunging for his new sweet of interest- a lollipop Tobi was eating.

Konan snapped her head to the left, glaring at a certain Jashinist. "Don't throw things Hidan!"

Hidan continued to drunkenly laugh, chugging his fifth gallon of strawberry milk. "Hahahahahaha! Try and make me bitch!"

Her eye twitched.

Kakuzu's eyes flickered right from left as he stuffed his mouth full of chocolate coins, shoveling them in like no tomorrow. He defensively moved back as Zetsu approached him, threateningly raising a tentacle.

"Don't resist…" **"Just give me the chocolate dammit!" **

Luckily for Kakuzu, Sasori came sprinting from the opposite direction, running for the plant and catching him in a flying tackle. He had noticed the taffy sticking to Zetsu's back.

"**Son of a bitch!" **"Quick! Run away!" Zetsu began to drag himself, the redhead attached to his waist.

Tobi squealed, jumping over the fallen Zetsu as he ran from a roaring Kisame. "Noooo! Tobi's a good boy!"

Konan immediately tried to stop the shark-nin. "Kisame get back here!"

She sidestepped Deidara and Itachi as they rolled by. They had forgotten all about the chocolate bottle and proceeded to try and beat one another up with their fists. Deidara cried out as his ponytail was yanked on, chomping down on Itachi's hand. Itachi bit him right back, almost ripping his ear off in the process. Kakuzu watched them from his corner with a gleam in his eye.

Meanwhile, Kisame had succeeded in boxing Tobi in. With a feral grin, he leaped forward and stuck the masked man's head into his mouth. Tobi wailed, waving his arms about. "Kisame-san's trying to eat me! Help!"

Zetsu looked up at his partner's cry and promptly ignored it in an attempt to kill Sasori.

Konan had resorted to jumping onto Kisame's back, pulling at the corners of his mouth in an attempt to get him to spit Tobi's head out while Sasori and Zetsu furiously tugged on opposite ends of the taffy with their teeth.

It was to this sight that Akatsuki's leader walked into- coming back from a tiring mission in blowing up Orochimaru's base all by himself.

Pein stared at the people he dared call his equals, eye twitching.

"What…the hell?"

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><p>The next day, Pein found himself standing in the center of their living room with his members scattered throughout the entire room yet again. They had come off their sugar craze, but were now started to feel the effects, ending up being completely useless.<p>

Pein was pissed.

"Man…I can't fuckin' move at all…" Hidan moaned from where he was sprawled on the living room couch.

"At least move off of me," Deidara whimpered, pathetically trying to push the older man off of him. When _that _failed, he allowed himself to fall limp, closing his eyes in pain. "I have a massive stomach ache yeah…"

"_You _have one?" Sasori nudged him on the side of the head, sitting on the arm of the couch beside him. "You weren't the one who ate all the cookies brat."

Deidara grunted. "Yeah but I cooked them danna un. No one told you to eat all of them."

Sasori narrowed his eyes. "You calling me a pig?"

Itachi sighed, rubbing his brows from where he leaned against the living room doorway. "Enough. I have a headache. Bickering is going to make it worse…"

"We're not bickering!"

Zetsu gave a half smirk, lying halfway in and out of the floor. "Look at that." **The two artist idiots are trying to be like us." **_"Speaking in sync. Pitiful effort." _

"No one asked you," Deidara uttered.

"**Deidara you're looking good today. Maybe you should keep your damn mouth shut."**

Deidara cracked an eye open. "You wanna start something yeah?"

"**Maybe I will."**

"Don't start a fight," Kisame tried to calm the two. He barely moved from his spot on the loveseat at all.

"Stay out of this you piece of tuna!" The irritated blonde barked.

Tobi dropped down from the ceiling, frantically waving his arms around. "Sempai don't fight! You'll get stress lines and then look like Itachi-san!"

Itachi felt a brow quirk. "Excuse me?"

Hidan rolled his eyes. "Oh my fuckin' Jashin…"

"Don't pick on Itachi yeah," Deidara said.

"I thought you didn't like Itachi-san?" Tobi innocently asked.

Deidara felt his face flare. "I don't! But I don't like _you _even more!"

"Deidara-sempai is mean!"

"He's being mean to everyone today," Kisame sniffed.

"Shut it fish-face!"

"See what I mean?"

Kakuzu and Konan exchanged a bored glance from where they sat and joined in the fray.

"Do you have any idea how much money we spent having to clean up the mess from yesterday?"

"Hey! I was the only sane one trying to keep the peace!"

Kisame scoffed. "You're hardly sane Konan-"

"ALL OF YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Hidan shouted.

Pein felt his anger growing at the group of arguing Akatsuki members, furious at how low they had allowed themselves to sink. "You idiots have no right to complain," he finally snapped. "If you had been the slightest bit more mature in the first place then this would have never happened and I wouldn't have to sit here listening to your moronic bitching!" He looked at the taken aback faces before him, a feeling of satisfaction building in him. "And if _children _like you don't learn how to behave, I have half the mind to kick you out and leave you to fight amongst yourselves _by _yourselves."

They looked at him in a stunned silence.

Pein gazed back, a very serious expression on his face.

"So…" Deidara hesitantly spoke up, lower lip beginning to tremble. "You don't want to deal with us anymore? You hate us that much?"

Sasori glanced at him and then glared at the orange-haired man in front of them.

And after Sasori started to glare- everyone else did too.

Pein could even sense the glare coming from Tobi's mask. And _that _told him he was going to be in serious trouble soon. "I don't hate any of you…I just want you guys to start behaving a bit…" he muttered more to himself than anything else.

"Really un?" Deidara grinned, bouncing up from where he sat to embrace his leader.

Hidan smirked and latched onto the blonde from behind. "Allow me to join in this you little fucker you."

Deidara flushed. "H-Hidan-"

Sasori growled, grabbing onto the immortal and pushing him to the side, possessively taking hold of _his _partner.

Hidan staggered and then lunged for his leader. "Fine bitch! Then I claim Leader-san!"

Now it was Kakuzu's turn to growl.

Before Pein knew what had happened, he was surrounded in a bone-crushing hug from the rest his fellow members. Most of which he was sure wasn't meant for him. He allowed a small chuckle to escape before trying to pat all of their backs.

And then things went wrong because of course- this is Akatsuki.

"Tobi wants in on this too!" Tobi, who stayed back at first, squealed before jumping from the top of their couch.

Pein and the others looked up at him as he barreled towards them, eyes large.

"NO TOBI! DON'T!"

Tobi belly flopped on top, crushing them all beneath him. "Yay! Now we're one big happy family!"

Hidan wheezed for air, trying to crawl out from where he lay at the bottom of the pile. "One…big…fuckin' _murderous _family! Tobi- I'll fucking kill you!"

"No I will yeah!"

"Shut it blondie!" Hidan kicked him in the back.

"Ow- Hidan you bastard! That was _me_!" Sasori snapped, kicking back.

"Hey watch it!" **That was my head you stupid puppet!"**

"What was that? I dare you to say it again," Sasori seethed.

"Will all of you shut up and get off my leg?" Kakuzu barked.

Konan punched him in the face. "Don't shout in my ear!"

Pein rolled his eyes, staring up at the ceiling and ignoring all of the weight on his body. Sometimes he really _did _wonder…

_I can't believe I dare call these idiots my family._

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><p><strong>AN: Yeah... I don't know what goes on in my head either. But hey! I thought it was cute... despite the overuse of the line breaks...**

**It's nice writing with these guys again **

**^v^**


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